I have come to the realization that daily, weekly, or even monthly blogging may not be for me! Especially since it has been a year since my last post...
A few things have happened lately that have forced me to sit back and re-evaluate my life. I started grad school in September and that is something that has most certainly taught me time management! It is a lot of homework and writing, but in the end it will all be worth it...hopefully! I have given up a few things at school, such as being a cheer coach, to give myself more time to focus on my school and family.
Last May Aaron and I decided that we would try to start a family. This has turned into an experience that I never thought I would have to go through. Over the past year and a half I have I watched a few of my dearest friends be blessed with the most beautiful babies and I could not be happier for them. I treasure the times when I am allowed to hold and love on these precious miracles. But I have these thoughts in the back of my mind wondering when I am going to be blessed with this same miracle; I know that I can not live through my friends forever.
Aaron and I have been going to doctors since the beginning of June trying to get my stubborn body to work right. Imagine going to the doctor several times a month only for them to tell you that everything you have tried, all the drugs you are putting into your body, are not working. I listen to the stories my friends tell about being pregnant and I want to be able to share those same type of stories.
I hear stories of people who have had abortions, or who really dont want to have a baby, and they are walking around pregnant right now. Or I hear another story about a woman who is drinking and smoking while pregnant. Or even the women who just leave their baby in a trash can somewhere. I can not help but wonder why those people are allowed to experience the miracle of being pregnant and giving birth. Why them and not me, someone who really wants to live through the experience and give a child a loving home.
But, this is when I have to sit back and remember that this is not all up to me. I have to let go remind myself that I am not in charge of this part of my life. That there is some reason, unknown to me right now, as to why I am not pregnant yet. We know that everything works, my ovaries are just stubborn and apparently have a plan as to when they are going to let some of their little eggs go!
In the meantime, I have to be thankful for my friends who allow me to love on their babies as much as I want and provide as much support as they can. I also have to remember that I have been blessed with the most supportive and loving husband that a woman could ask for.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. As someone who has suffered with fertility issues, you have my complete empathy. I too have had the thoughts you have about why some people, who seem so unappreciative, are blessed with children while others are not. It IS all in God's hands, but that knowledge doesn't always ease the longing for a baby. I'll keep you in my prayers that your time will come soon.
I keep praying that you and Aaron will be blessed with a sweet little one soon. I know this is all so very difficult and stressful for you and I hate that you are going through it like this. I wish I could give you some "baby dust." But in lieu of that, many prayers and thoughts are always always always being sent out for you. And you can love on Justin ANYTIME. :-) Love you, dear friend.
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